After my post last week I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I had a handful of people tell me not to be so hard on myself. Not just in comments, but private messages and in person.When I was writing my last blog post the thought did cross my mind that people may think that, but I kind of shrugged it off because to me, I was going easy. I think being too hard on myself it what got me into this "mess" (literally and figuratively) in the first place. I decided that maybe I needed to write about it.
In a post a couple months ago I shared a piece of my story. This is a little snip-it from that post. When people asked how I was my go to response was “I'm doing pretty good”. But really, if people could have heard my thoughts they would know how alone and isolated I felt, and how much I thought I was failing at life in general.
For a long time I felt like a failure. Nothing specific. Just in general. I felt like I wasn't good at anything. Eventually I just stopped trying to do things. I didn't want to fail again and I didn't have the confidence to believe I could do it so I didn't try. When I did muster up the strength to try something outside my norm, my comfort zone, I would give up at the first sign of failure. My last attempt at decluttering is a perfect example. I didn't know what to do for the kitchen. Rather than move on to the next area or simply skip a week, figure out what to do and start again, I stopped, gave up. In my mind I failed because I didn't stick to the plan. This is also major struggle for me with healthy habits and has definitely contributed to being 75 pounds overweight. When I’d try to start a new "plan" or change my habits, I would have bad day or even just a bad meal, then give up because I failed. It had to be all or nothing. But my heart couldn't take the "inevitable failure" again, so it just became nothing. After doing this cycle, over and over for so long it’s hard to break the habit, even though I know now that I am not a failure. I make mistakes, I fall down (usually in front of a crowd). I fail. But I'm not a failure.
At times, it seems kind of silly to me that a simple thing like decluttering is such a struggle for me and brings up all this stuff. But I've realize I find the most growth in the little things. Over the last 2 years I have changed a lot. It hasn't been a sudden major change, it has making little choices each day to stretch myself into using what God has already given me. To find the gifts and strengths He gave me and use them. To step into the light and not hide.
I have been adopted, chosen by God to be part of His family, not because of anything I have done or will do, but by His grace, I have been set free. He has given me an abundance of grace. Not just for the big things, but the little things as well. I've built a dam and have been holding back that grace. Holding myself to such "perfectionist" standards that I've given up. Not anymore. It’s time to open the floodgates. There are things I'd like the do different and I'm choosing to embrace God’s grace and do them. And when I struggle, I will keep going.
So, I'm starting again on the decluttering. Because I want to have a more organized home and we have way more than we need. I want my kids to see the value in taking care of their things and being content with what they have. Last year I made a 10 week schedule, but I have decided to do things differently this time. I've made a list of the different areas of our home and will work my way through it. Once one is done, I'll move on, whether its been 2 days or 2 weeks. So far, I have decluttered/organized the coat closet and 2 tables in the living room. Next up, the kitchen. Watch out canvas bags shoved in the back of the pantry, I'm coming for you.
Comments
Post a Comment