A few month ago I had the privilege to share my story with my MOPS group. Since then, I've been going back a forth about whether or not to post some of it on my blog. I have decided that if sharing a part of my story will help even one person, then its worth it.
2 Timothy 1:6-8 Is my jam. I need it displayed on every wall and mirror in my house. This is why I spoke at MOPS and why I'm sharing with the interwebs today.
2 Timothy 1:6-8 Is my jam. I need it displayed on every wall and mirror in my house. This is why I spoke at MOPS and why I'm sharing with the interwebs today.
I remind you to fan into flame the gifts of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and self discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord. '
This will come as a shock (only if you don't really know me) ... I am a very scatterbrained, forgetful and clumsy person. I think I always have been but with life stresses and the lovely gift of “mommy brain”, it has been amplified. I have fallen down too many steps to count and have ran into way too many screen and glass doors. I once lost my keys at Dollar Tree and my dad had to come get me and then go get my kids from daycare. I have ran over my phone with my car and have even dropped a brand new iPhone in the toilet… 6 hours after getting it… I have lost my phone in Walmart, at the airport, and a million times a day in my own house. I think half my Fitbit steps are from making extra trips when I forget things or from wandering around the house looking for something. I have forgotten to turn off the water when filling the sink in the laundry room and left the house…. Effectively flooding the basement. I once lost my keys for 3 days and had to borrow my mother in law’s truck to get to work. I ended up finding the keys inside a bag of hershey's kisses... in my purse… These examples are just a small portion of the book I could write. These types of things used to make me so angry. I would spend a long time feeling stupid and inadequate over something so small and insignificant as locking my keys in the car.
A little over 2 years ago the lead pastor of our church was giving a message about shame. He described shame as our negative perception of what others think about us. He gave 4 characteristics of how we feel shame: Rejection, unworthiness, weakness, and inferiority. I realized that I was feeling all these things on a daily basis. As I thought more about this, I wasn't sure where those feelings came from and why there was a constant negative dialogue running through my thoughts.
I decided to go to something called Revive Group at our church. It is an intense gospel-focused small group that digs deep into difficult areas of life struggles. The group follows the story of the Exodus, where the Israelites journey through the wilderness from slavery to freedom.
While in this group, I shared my story for the first time. A story that I didn't really know I had. For so long I buried all things to do with my past because I didn't want them to affect my current life. I wanted to just separate it completely. I didn't realize how I felt about things that happened and how those feelings had turned to shame and become my identity. My negative thoughts and fear of rejection were holding me captive. I learned that the only way to remove the negative dialog was to replace it with something else so I started memorizing scriptures of what God says about me.
Here are a few quick paraphrases of scriptures I use regularly;
God made me victorious - 1 Corinthians 15:57 1 john 5:4
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13
I am Fearfully and wonderfully made - Psalm 139:14
I also realized I had become very good at having a filter. When people asked how I was my go to response was “Im doing pretty good”. But really, if people could have heard my thoughts they would know how alone and isolated I felt, and how much I thought I was failing at life in general. I felt like anything I said would just lead to more questions and the brick wall I had carefully constructed would just come crumbling down and people would really see me and all my mess. And they wouldn’t like what they saw. All that wall did for me was keep people out. I had warded off any possibility of real friendships. This is the direct effect of the shame I felt. Satan uses shame to keep us hiding from people, fearful that if they really see us they won't like what they see. Shame is a prison that keeps us hidden from the freedom God offers.
Romans 8:1 says “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” and 2 Corinthinas 5:21 says God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that we in Him we might have the righteousness of God. When Jesus was on the cross he took all our shame so that we could live a life of freedom, not imprisoned by our perceptions of what others think about us.
Last summer at a church conference I felt like God told me specifically “stop hiding”. Since I thought I was already pushing myself far outside of my comfort zone, thinking about this direction from God was terrifying! How much more did he want me to do?
As we were leaving the conference I told my husband what I had heard from God and specifically asked him not to share with anyone. (We were headed to lunch with family). I wanted to keep hiding for a bit longer. But little by little opportunities have presented themselves for me to step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to really be seen. I have been slowly letting people in and letting people really see into my unedited reality. The more I have stepped out in faith and been willing to disassemble the brick wall, the more opportunities have been presented to share my story and be a testimony of God’s work.
Have you ever heard people say things like, "You are the daughter of the one true king"? In the past when I have heard sayings like that I would give an internal eye roll and think, “Yeah, yeah… I know.” But there was no real connection there. I knew it was true for you, but I didn't know it for me. It is amazing to really embrace, and know in your heart that the God that made the heavens and the earth, who created mountains and grains of sand, the creator of the oceans and the tiniest most intricate snowflakes… also created you.
My challenge to you is to let that brick wall come down and let yourself be really seen. To be seen by others but also allow yourself to be seen by you, the way God sees you. Isaiah 43:4 God says You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.
And to break free from the negative dialog and the shame. Jesus took care of it already. He put on all our shame and guilt, separating himself from God, and paid the ultimate price for us to walk in freedom. HE said, "It is finished." You dont have to carry it around. Take a deep breath and enjoy that weight lifted off your shoulders. Embrace the freedom God offers and come out of hiding.
John 8:36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed
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