This last week as been a week of realization. Its been kind of step-by-step... but it all finally connected and came together Friday morning while I was cleaning the post office.
Step 1: Last Friday I had a meeting at job #2(not the post office). In the meeting we were talking about self-betrayal. If you feel you should do something, and you don't do it, you are betraying yourself. You end up feeling guilty about not doing what you feel you should have. This made me realize that I do this a lot. More often then not, I think of things I should be doing, and choose not to do them. For example, instead of doing the dishes yesterday (which I really feel I should have done) I choose to watch a daytime talk show....which did nothing but make me worry about what the teenagers will be like when Gavin and Belle go to high school... Then later that night, as I walked by the sink full of dishes, I felt guilty about not doing the dishes. I was frustrated and in a bad mood about it, and even started thinking negativly about other people. why should I have to do the dishes. When really, I don't HAVE to do them, but I feel like I should. If I had just done them when I felt like I needed to, I would have had a whole different attitude at the end of the day. Does that make sense? Well, it does to me anyways. I've been doing this self-betrayal with exercise and eating right too.
Step 2: I was watching Biggest Loser on Tuesday night and Jillian said something that really got me thinking. She was making the losers do sprints and challenged them to set the treadmill on a higher speed than ever before, and they did it! None of them fell off. They did it. She was talking about it afterward, saying they really could do it the whole time, they just didn't think they could. Then she looked right into the camera (right at me) and said, "What else in your life are you doing half-assed". My response was.... EVERYTHING! I honestly can't name one thing that I am putting myself into 100%.... This really bugged me. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept asking myself...Why? Why am I only doing things halfway. Why am I just doing enough to get by? I kept coming up with excuses, "I'm too busy. I have too much on my plate right now. When things settle down I'll get back into it. I'm too tired." But really, none of those excuses are valid, but for some reason I feel that way. Then Friday morning I was cleaning and it hit me...
Step 3. I have been living in a constant state of self-betrayal and crisis control for the last 3 years. There was a time, three years ago, when everything was hectic. I was doing all I could to stay afloat. Literally doing what I could just to get by because that was really all I could do. All the while, I was feeling bad and guilty because I felt I should be doing more. I have remained in that mind set. To me, things are always a crisis. I stress over the little things. I decide I can't possible spend time doing things I want to do because there's just no time. I have time. I can make time. I'm just comfortable in crisis mode, and I'm keeping myself there.
So, I'm making time for me. I'm doing things with intention. If I cant put the time and attention into it that it needs, them Im not doing it. I have too many half finish projects laying around. Time to finish them and move on.
Step 1: Last Friday I had a meeting at job #2(not the post office). In the meeting we were talking about self-betrayal. If you feel you should do something, and you don't do it, you are betraying yourself. You end up feeling guilty about not doing what you feel you should have. This made me realize that I do this a lot. More often then not, I think of things I should be doing, and choose not to do them. For example, instead of doing the dishes yesterday (which I really feel I should have done) I choose to watch a daytime talk show....which did nothing but make me worry about what the teenagers will be like when Gavin and Belle go to high school... Then later that night, as I walked by the sink full of dishes, I felt guilty about not doing the dishes. I was frustrated and in a bad mood about it, and even started thinking negativly about other people. why should I have to do the dishes. When really, I don't HAVE to do them, but I feel like I should. If I had just done them when I felt like I needed to, I would have had a whole different attitude at the end of the day. Does that make sense? Well, it does to me anyways. I've been doing this self-betrayal with exercise and eating right too.
Step 2: I was watching Biggest Loser on Tuesday night and Jillian said something that really got me thinking. She was making the losers do sprints and challenged them to set the treadmill on a higher speed than ever before, and they did it! None of them fell off. They did it. She was talking about it afterward, saying they really could do it the whole time, they just didn't think they could. Then she looked right into the camera (right at me) and said, "What else in your life are you doing half-assed". My response was.... EVERYTHING! I honestly can't name one thing that I am putting myself into 100%.... This really bugged me. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept asking myself...Why? Why am I only doing things halfway. Why am I just doing enough to get by? I kept coming up with excuses, "I'm too busy. I have too much on my plate right now. When things settle down I'll get back into it. I'm too tired." But really, none of those excuses are valid, but for some reason I feel that way. Then Friday morning I was cleaning and it hit me...
Step 3. I have been living in a constant state of self-betrayal and crisis control for the last 3 years. There was a time, three years ago, when everything was hectic. I was doing all I could to stay afloat. Literally doing what I could just to get by because that was really all I could do. All the while, I was feeling bad and guilty because I felt I should be doing more. I have remained in that mind set. To me, things are always a crisis. I stress over the little things. I decide I can't possible spend time doing things I want to do because there's just no time. I have time. I can make time. I'm just comfortable in crisis mode, and I'm keeping myself there.
So, I'm making time for me. I'm doing things with intention. If I cant put the time and attention into it that it needs, them Im not doing it. I have too many half finish projects laying around. Time to finish them and move on.
Great blog and great words!! They've challenged me as well....thanks!
ReplyDeleteYes, very challenging words. Thanks for being open & honest.
ReplyDelete