Well, I got on Facebook this morning and thanks to FB memories, I discovered it's been over a year since my last post. You were all supposed to remind me that I was supposed to be writing regularly and going to bed at a decent time. Guess you're all busy like I am :)
I left off last post saying I was going to work on improving one area of my life at a time in order to have a less chaotic day to day lifestyle. First step, go to bed at a decent time. Well... so much for that. The only thing I worked on this last year was bringing a little guy named Oliver into our family. He was born about 3 months ago and we're all head over heals for him. However, he's definitely not helped with the bed time.
So, Its time to get real... I have a confession to make. I'm guilty of being a Facebook faker. I think most of us are to an extent and I think that is ok. In order to not annoying my Facebook 'friends', I do the best I can to stay away from negativity and anything controversial. I try really hard to think through my posts and decide whether or not it would offend someone. Now, if I happened to have gone to high school with anyone reading this... you may be surprised by that. There was a time when I cared very little about offending people that I saw face to face, let alone any virtual friends, some whom I probably wouldn't have real face to face conversations with anyways. Well things change and now I'm a little over the top in the other direction. But back to what I was saying... I've been realizing that in an effort to not make people uncomfortable or fear of offending, I have left out a major part of my life. My faith. I have been feeling that I should write and share about what Gods been working on with me and Ive been hesitant. Not necessarily for fear that I would offend someone but because, aside from the occasional comment or check in at church, I have NEVER posted anything in depth about my faith. So here it goes. If you feel you may be uncomfortable or offended then stop reading. If not, feel free to continue.
In the spirit of being real, I must admit, life with the new baby has been a bit rough on me. Hes still not big on sleeping for longer than 2-3 hours at a time. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy God added him to our family, however... its not all smiles and big kids snuggling and loving on him everyday. Sometimes its me crying in bed at 1 am after feeding him for the 3rd time in less than 3 hours and all I want to do is SLEEP!
That was actually the picture from 2 nights ago. I was an emotional, over-tired mess. My husband was out of town for work and I knew I had to be up and moving early. After the second time feeding him, about 12:45am, he had fallen asleep and while setting him down I prayed, "God, please let him stay asleep". Well, spoiler alert, he didn't. So while feeding him for the 3rd time (since bedtime) I was mad. I was crying and upset that God decided I didn't need to sleep. In my moment of despair asked God, "Where are you? Why cant you do this one thing that I asked?" And in return I got "What do you do that I ask?" ....(*Crickets*)......uh........let me think........ What have you asked me to do? um......I don't know.... because I've been checked out and going through the motions the last 6 months. I'm sitting on the sidelines letting the grumbling and complaints in my head take over. Liiiiiightbulb. Now, this isnt me beating myself up for not being a "good christian" and I'm certainly not saying that Oliver isn't sleeping well because I'm not doing what God wants... But I do think God used this situation to help me realize that I am caught up in negative thinking and complaining. *shudder* I despise complaining.
So here's what I'm working on. Listening. To God. Not to the grumbling and complaining in my head.
What does that look like, logistically? That I dont know. Yet. This is the first step. Getting real with myself and my friends. From there.... well. I guess Ill wait and see what God says about it.
I'm sure it must be rough with a new baby in the house, all the broken sleep...and two more tiny humans to take care of. I don't know anything about babies, but could Oliver not be getting enough to eat at each feeding? I think that happened to your mom with one of you guys. Hopefully he'll start sleeping more soon...and not need as many nighttime feedings.
ReplyDeleteThanks Aunt Shari! That was my thinking but even adding a bottle at night didn't seem to make a difference. I think it's a comfort thing at this point.
DeleteExcellent writing Jane.... Let me know how I can help, even if it's getting alone with a cup of coffee from time to time. We ALL need it and I remember having an out of town husband (at least half the time) like you and having to do it all alone very often. Just because you're no longer a working mother doesn't mean we can't watch your kids because back then, getting away to work was still getting away. I get it. Let us know how to help support you because you have to have time to think to "listen"... :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks Cyndi :) I will.
DeleteThis sleep deprivation thing is a very real and awful hardship. For real. Just having a full night's sleep makes the sky blue again and everyone so much nicer. Not making excuses for your negative thoughts but I just know those will get a lot less if you could just sleep. So now we just have to convince Oliver that the milk at night doesn't taste any better than the milk during the day...
ReplyDeletePraying for you that he will SLEEP!!
Yes. Everything seems much worse when youre exhausted already and still up at 1am. Thank you for the prayers!
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