I have been having this constant stirring to write but not knowing what to say or where to start. I have this tendency to overthink it, to think that I have to have the beginning, middle and end planned out before I even begin. I want to know what the ending looks like before I start. Now that I think about it, that probably applies to more than just my writing... I'll have to ponder more on that later.
Last week I was chatting with a couple ladies in my community group and mentioned this struggle I was having with writing. I got some great advice.... "Write about where you are". I need to put this on my computer screen. I go through these back and forth battles regularly and when I finally sit down and actually think, "whats going on right now" instead of "What can I write about that people could relate to", then the thoughts and words just start to flow. And as I'm typing I work things out and connect the dots. A lot of times I have rearranged the post repeatedly, endings become beginnings, and I change the title 6 different times. When I'm not writing consistently I find my thoughts are all over the place, but getting them out of my head so I can see them helps to string them together.
So here's wheres whats going on. Over the last year or so I have been really working to change the negative dialogue that filled my thoughts and to see myself the way God sees me. 1 Corinthians 15:57, 1 John 5:4, Philippians 4:13, Psalm 139:14 When negativity comes to mind, I have memorized and replaced it with biblical truths. I have stopped hiding in shame and worked to embrace the powerful woman God made me to be. 1 Timothy 1:7 I feel like I have been more "me". More open and honest about my life, my struggles, my weaknesses and also acknowledging my strengths. One thing in particular that used to cause a lot of negative self-talk was being forgetful, clumsy, disorganized, non-structured, etc etc etc. In my last post I shared some about this, and how doing things most people would find humorous, like walking into screen doors, would cause me to feel angry, stupid and inferior, and start a slew of negative dialog in my head. When I realized this major insecurity affected so much of my life, including my parenting, I really worked to change how I felt about it. And I have. I rarely feel shame or condemnation for little mistakes that I still continue to make, like getting to the check-out one with a cart full of groceries and no debit card.
I think now that my thoughts are less muddied with negativity, I'm able to see things in a different way. While on this journey of learning to love the way God made me, I'm beginning to think about what I should be embracing and what I could be working on changing. I think there is a difference between hating things about yourself and loving yourself enough to work on the things you don't like. One is stagnant, self loathing. Sitting in the mud, hating it, but still sitting in it because "that's just the way I am". The other is process. Its making a choice to stand up in the mud and find a way to get out. Here is an example of what that has looked like in my world: Like I mentioned above, I used to hate that I would always loose things, forget to do things, run in and out of the house 15 times grabbing things before I left. I had recently decided to "own" it. That it is just my personality, the way God made me. But in the last couple weeks I've had several moments where I've realized that is not necessarily truth. It is more like an excuse. Its not my "personality" that results in me running around the house 15 minutes after I was supposed to leave trying to find the diaper bag. Its not my "personality" that causes my (almost) 2 yr old to leave the house without shoes because I cant find 2 that match. He has like 6 pair.... and hes not the one who take them off 90% of the time. I am. Its not my "personality" that results in not knowing what we're having for dinner at 6:30pm on a school night. All of these things stem from a lack of organization and structure. I don't have a place for everything, and everything is definitely not in its place. I don't have any structured routine of when things will be done. I've let my "easy-going" personality be an excuse for not doing what I need to do in order for day-to-day life to run more smoothly. Not to say that the above things wont happen if....ahem... I mean WHEN, I get organized. But these things are happening weekly. Daily. Hourly.
So whats really hindering me when it comes to organization? Well, Its impossible to organize clutter. Last year I blogged about decluttering. (here) I had a plan to declutter my whole house in 10 weeks. I started out strong, made a lot of progress and removed a lot of weight from the house and off my shoulders. I made it to week 5, the Kitchen.... then I stopped. I have wonderful intentions and I'm great at making plan but I'm terrible about the follow through. Last year, my post about my decluttering plan started like this: Confession. Most of this has been written for days. I've been putting off finishing and posting this because then it will be real...and I'll actually have to do it.... I didn't want to be held accountable, I didn't want to have to follow through. Even after posting it on the interwebs for everyone to see, I only made it half way. I clearly remember opening the pantry, the tupperware cabinet, and the place where forgotten appliances go to live out their final days. I took one look at all of it, decided I didn't know how to organize it, what to get rid of, or what to do with any of it. So I stopped, I couldn't visualize the ending so I didn't start. Sound familiar? Yeah, noticed that too, Not just my writing after all.
Think. Plan. Do. I've definitely covered the thinking. Probably too well. Next step is a plan. Last week I made some changes to our coat closet, making a spot for the kids shoes. Since that is already in progress, I'll finish that, work on the living room, and the hall closet this week. I'll also type up a plan to rest of the house. I'm hoping to update on the progress regularly, and maybe I'll be brave enough to post before and after pics.... maybe.
So what about you? What is something you've "owned" as part of your personality that instead could be something you work to change? Id love to hear what your first steps will be. We may not be working on the same thing but we we can still work our way out of the mud together.
Proverbs 27:1 Iron sharpens iron and one man sharpens another.
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